The Love We Breathe Read online

  The Love We Breathe

  Adelia Everett

  Table of Contents

  The Love We Breathe

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty One

  Chapter Twenty Two

  Chapter Twenty Three

  Chapter Twenty Four

  Chapter Twenty Five

  Chapter Twenty Six

  Chapter Twenty Seven

  Chapter Twenty Eight

  Chapter Twenty Nine

  Chapter Thirty

  Also by Adelia Everett

  About the Author

  The Love We Breathe

  Chapter One

  .

  I couldn’t wait to get lost in it all. College!

  Freedom!

  It’s what every boy and girl my age wants, isn’t it? That first taste of freedom.

  The freedom of not living with my parents, of being an ‘official’ adult.

  College life had always intrigued me and excited me. It was like a blessing to actually be here.

  I knew I was one of the lucky ones. Many people don’t get the chance to experience college.

  The drive here had been horrendously long. And the process of unloading boxes and carrying them into my new dorm room had been completely tiresome as well.

  But thankfully my parents were now leaving after a long freshman move-in day.

  I said my goodbyes to them in the parking lot, where we had finally finished emptying boxes from the car. My mom got tears in her eyes when I hugged her one last time.

  “Mom... stop.” I complained.

  I guess it was just because I was her first born child, meaning I was the first to be heading off to college. She needed to realize that my little brother and sister would still be at home to keep her company. They were still in middle school. It’d be several years before she’d have to say goodbye to them.

  “Just be safe, James.” She demanded, pointing a finger in my face playfully. She sniffled and wiped away her tears, smiling. “You don’t know what it’s like for a mother. I know this will be good for you, and that you’ll experience so many wonderful things.”

  “Mom, you don’t have to worry about me,” I said, smiling at her. “I will take care of myself.”

  “You’ll understand one day,” she said, taking my hands into hers. “When you have children of your own.”

  I swallowed.

  “Don’t get too wild, kiddo,” Dad said. I turned to him, gave him a quick hug as well.

  He had a mischievous glint in his eye, like he knew what my intentions were this year. I was here to get a degree, of course.

  But I would be partying and having fun along the way. Naturally.

  “If it’s too good to be true, then it is,” he said.

  “Right.”

  “If it makes you pause, don’t commit. Think it over.”

  “I will.”

  “And if you find yourself drunk…” His voice tapered off, came dangerously close to adopting an admonishing tone. “By some happenstance, then don’t break the law, and always use protection.”

  “Dad,” I said awkwardly, laughing. “I’ll be safe, I promise.”

  I bade them one last quick goodbye before they finally departed, my mother teary-eyed once again. I watched them drive away, and I waved as their car turned the corner.

  I took a breath and realized that I was completely free to do whatever the hell I wanted. It was like being reborn. It was the start of a new life.

  I wondered if college was really going to be all it was cracked up to be.

  Or if it would be a disappointment.

  Stay optimistic!

  I excitedly half-walked half-ran back to my dorm building. Nickerson Hall, the freshman dorm. I hadn’t been to my room in a few hours, maybe my roommate had finally showed up.

  I hadn’t met him yet, and I was excited to see who I would be living with for the next semester or two.

  I’d heard from upperclassmen that you don’t always befriend your roommates. For freshman year, sometimes they can simply be someone you live with. You aren’t necessarily best friends by the time the semester is over.

  And then by sophomore year, you get to pick your roommates, so you can room with your real friends. But I was hopeful anyway.

  I wanted my roommate to become a good buddy of mine. I hoped those roommate surveys had actually worked. Hopefully we were somewhat compatible.

  As I headed down the hall and into room 125, I was happy to see that my roommate had arrived. He was unloading a box full of clothes into the empty wardrobe that I hadn’t claimed.

  “Hey man!” I greeted, thrusting out my hand.

  He turned around, and I was met with a dazzling set of perfect white teeth behind a generous smile.

  His eyes seemed wary at first, but when he saw my hand, they seemed to open up. I had the distinct sensation that I was being sucked into his gaze, falling into his eyes.

  It was definitely a weird feeling, and the first time I’d ever felt something like that before.

  I blinked out of it when he said, “You must be my new roommate.” His voice was friendly.

  “Yeah, I’m James Radine.”

  “Ryan McMahon.” He introduced himself.

  I got a good look at him. Ryan was thin, but not flabby or soft. He was a bit shorter than me. His hair was blonde, but it had natural tints of red and brown. Or maybe it was just the lighting in this room.

  He seemed like a pretty chill guy from his body language. This could work out.

  I wondered, a little distantly, if I was being a giant weirdo for trying to size him up when I’d only just met him, for trying to ascertain his character.

  After all, I was going to be rooming with him. We were going to literally be living together, day in and day out, for a long time.

  The two of us sorted out who would be using which bed, which desk, which wardrobe. We firmly established the outline of our room and I helped him unpack a few things. We signed the required roommate contract and turned it in to our RA, Lars. What a weird name for a person.

  “So where you from, Ryan?” I asked as I unpacked my comforter and made my bed.

  “About two hours away, in a really small town.” He said, “Thank God I’m out of there.”

  I chuckled. “Not much to do out there?”

  He laughed softly to himself, as if he knew something I didn’t. “Yeah.”

  “Did your parents bring you to school, or did you drive here yourself?” I asked.

  “They drove me.” He said, “They left already.”

  “Freedom!” I shouted playfully.

  He laughed. But once again it was to himself, as if he had a secret. His own personal inside joke.

  I was about to ask him more about his parents, but he cut me off with, “What about you? Where are you from?”

  “I’m from up north, actually. The drive down here was like eight hours.” I groaned. Driving the length of California was never fun. I’d had to endure it several times as a kid, coming to visit family and such. But I had never gotten used to it.

  “Brutal.” Ryan commented, “Especially with your parents in the car. That’s gotta be th
e worst.”

  I laughed a bit. “They’re not so bad.” I said, “I just got sick of them after 18 years.”

  “I hear you.”

  “Do you think it’s normal? Wanting to get away from your parents?”

  “You know, I once heard a joke that the one secret every person takes to their grave is that they hate their parents.”

  I frowned. “Not much of a joke.”

  “I think the idea,” he said, “Is that from an evolutionary standpoint, if we don’t leave the nest, we won’t find mates and reproduce. So there is this in-built drive to want to leave home so we can start families.”

  “Do you want a family?” I asked.

  Ryan frowned at that question, and once again, I got the distinct impression he was more thinking out loud than talking to me, as if the current of his thoughts had caught him entirely, and left me out.

  Ryan plopped down on his bed and took out his laptop. I wanted to ask him more questions to get to know him better. I knew I was being a bit awkward, and rushing things, but I wanted to know if we’d be compatible as roomies.

  It was really, really important to me, for some reason.

  But I didn’t want to press my luck, and since he seemed lost in his own thoughts, I left him alone for a while, not wanting to completely badger him with questions and annoy him.

  I finished unpacking all my things instead. You’d think that two college guys wouldn’t care about unpacking right away.

  Stereotypes, am I right?

  But for some reason I just wanted to make my new dorm room feel like home. I was read to commit to this place, emotionally. To make it my new home.

  Things had already been going great so far. All the freshman orientation meetings I’d been to today had been so much fun for me. I’d met several new people that seemed awesome. And now all I wanted to do was settle into my room, make it my own.

  Maybe that’s why I felt this continuing need to talk to Ryan, to try and get to know him. I found whenever I met his eyes, I felt awkward.

  Zapped, almost, as if he could shoot me with eye-waves of electricity.

  I figured I was just nervous. I wasn’t really a very social kid back in high school. I mean, I’m pretty average when you get down to it, but sometimes I felt social anxiety when meeting people.

  College was kind of a way for me to turn that around, and to commit to fixing this flaw in my character. I wanted to be forward and confident, and get to know people quickly.

  But you can’t force these things, and I knew that.

  Once I had finished setting everything up the way I liked it, Ryan closed his laptop and smiled at me. So maybe it was just in my head that he was being cool with me. Now he seemed like he wanted to get to know me.

  “You got a girlfriend back home, James?” He asked me with an impish smirk on his face. Again, I got the feeling that there was more to his question than just the words on their face.

  I laughed at the absurdity of that idea. I don’t think I’d ever been in a relationship serious enough to last.

  I’d had… partners. But that was born out of mutual need and curiosity. We were all just idiot teenagers, anyway, with no conception of what real emotions, what something like love might be, never mind commitment.

  The experience I had was the definition of silly teenage relationships. Being with girls I didn’t truly fit with because I felt like I should, and them being with me for similar reasons.

  Don’t get me wrong. There was fun… but on reflection, I came to the conclusion that none of it really meant anything.

  And deep down inside me, I realized that if I were to have a relationship with someone again, that it should mean something.

  “No.” I laughed, “No, I don’t.”

  “Why?” He asked.

  “I don’t know, man. I’ve just never been serious with a girl before, I guess.”

  “You mean, not serious enough to last through college?”

  “Heck, more than two months, even.”

  “You had a lot of girlfriends?” He asked, cocking an eyebrow up.

  “Not really. A few.”

  He nodded in understanding. He sat up, cross-legged on his bed.

  “What about you?” I asked, “Got yourself a girl?”

  He laughed embarrassedly and looked down at his hands. The skin on his cheekbones grew red instantly.

  In that moment, he was completely disarmed. All the intimidation and awkwardness I felt about approaching him, interacting with him, drained away.

  In that moment, he was vulnerable. It was crazy to me that I even registered this, but until now, I’d never had occasion to study someone’s body language and facial expressions so closely.

  For some reason, it gave me goosebumps. Not the kind you get when you’re cold, but the kind you get when you listen to a song that really resonates with you on an emotional level. Something that just cuts right to your soul.

  Somehow, after only meeting him for such a short time, I knew that I liked Ryan. I knew that I could get along with him.

  Of course, human relationships are never one-way. Or, at least, they shouldn’t be.

  “No...” He said, smiling, “No, I don’t have a girl back home.”

  He fidgeted a little, and it just made me ponder him more. Why was he so embarrassed, I wondered? Was he as awkward as I was? He seemed a lot cooler than me; not in terms of being the cool kid, but in terms of having a cool personality.

  You know, chill, easy-going, go with the flow.

  But now he seemed tenser. More… protective of himself, maybe.

  A million reasons for his behavior raced through my mind. Maybe he was just a private person and felt embarrassed talking about personal things?

  Or maybe had just broken up with someone and was still sensitive about it.

  I felt a sudden surge of sympathy for him. I’d never had my heart broken, but I could still understand that it was hard.

  In theory.

  “Aw, why not?” I asked carefully.

  He laughed nervously again and refused to look at me. “Actually... uh...” I didn’t think it was possible but his cheeks got even redder.

  “What?” I asked.

  “I’m... um.”

  I shook my head a little. “It’s okay, you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

  “We’re going to be living together, right?”

  “Yeah,” I said.

  “Well, full disclosure is important, right?”

  I shrugged. “Fair enough.”

  “Well, I didn’t have a girl back home because I don’t like girls.”

  I laughed and said, “Don’t tell me it’s because they have coot—”

  I froze mid-sentence, coming to an understanding of what he meant.

  “Yeah, James. I’m gay.”

  Well, I definitely hadn’t expected that. Right away, I knew that I was fine with it. But it took me a moment to fully process the fact that I would be living with a gay guy for the next nine months.

  It still didn’t bother me. It’s not like it’s his fault or anything. But it might be a tad embarrassing to change clothes in front of him. I prayed that there wouldn’t be any awkwardness between us.

  “Dude, that’s okay.” I said.

  He looked up at me, the red in his cheeks fading a little bit. He seemed surprised at my reaction.

  “Seriously?” He asked.

  “Yeah, of course.” I nodded. I could see why he would expect me to take it badly. Maybe people hadn’t been very accepting of him in the past.

  A relieved smile spread across his face.

  “Dude, I was super worried that I was gonna be living with some homophobic asshole.” He laughed, “Thank God you’re not like that.”

  “Definitely not.” I smiled. “Truthfully, I believe people should just love who they want to love. Whatever. It’s no skin off my back.”

  “You have no idea...” He put a hand over his heart, as if he were out of breath,
“I was so nervous about coming to school.”

  I felt bad for him. I never realized what a big deal it must be for gay people to come out of the closet. Especially coming to a brand new school like this...

  “Don’t be.” I told him, “It’s totally fine.”

  He smiled at me. Sure he’s gay, but his smile was merely friendly and nothing more. Just because he likes dick doesn’t mean he wants mine.

  It was ridiculous, actually, for me to even think like that. But I’m sure that’s what most straight guys think when they meet a gay guy. They think he’s mentally undressing them.

  But it’s ridiculous. It’s stupid as hell.

  That’s just not the way people work.

  The rest of the night, the two of us were able to talk and hang out without any awkwardness. It was like we were able to be more honest with each other now that he’d gotten this monkey off his back.

  Sure, we were just getting to know each other. But the elephant in the room had been discussed and now we were free to talk about anything.

  I was still hopeful that Ryan and I would become good friends. His sexuality didn’t have anything to do with it. We could still be close. I just couldn’t talk to him about hot girls or anything.

  But that didn’t bother me. Recently I’d lost a little bit of interest in girls, anyway. There were so many other things to experience in college, and so many other things in my own life for me to focus on, before girls became a priority.

  And so, my first semester of college began, with a somewhat unexpected start.

  Chapter Two

  .

  The next few weeks went by very quickly. I loved the college life, even after classes started. My classes were all a bit challenging, but I still enjoyed them. I felt so much more... mature than I was in high school.

  I met several great friends, some of which tried to convince me to join a fraternity. But I turned them down. I didn’t want to party too much. And all the fraternities on campus were full of party animals.

  I made friends that included guys named Josh, Tanner, and Ben. They introduced me to a few girls that were pretty cute. But so far, I hadn’t had any kind of romantic or sexual interactions with any of them.